What about the boys?

I know I’ve been on a kick of blogging about the lectionary gospel readings so far this year, but an article in the United Church’s February Observer reminded me of how often this topic comes up in my conversations and concern about children’s and youth ministry.

Just over 20 years ago when I was in high school, there were numerous posters in the halls and at the guidance office encouraging girls to go into the maths and sciences and even the trades. Few, if any, were for boys. My recollection is that we had close to gender balance in advanced level classes preparing for university but I could be wrong. I certainly never felt slighted or not encouraged because of my gender. Feminism was really starting to pick up steam and yes, at university there were proportionately more guys than gals in traditionally male disciplines. My alumni magazine indicates that the scales have now tipped in the other direction thanks to ongoing campaigns.

The article that caught my eye, Man Problems by Trisha Elliott, talks about many issues including a higher dropout rate in high school for boys, as well as their accounting for 90% of juvenile alcohol and drug violations and an obesity rate 3 times that of girls. The stakes are high and the needs are real. I have witnessed mainline churches becoming increasingly female in membership and leadership and I sense males struggling to figure out their new role or to reclaim their old one with this shift.

While I applaud greater awareness of the need to encourage girls to reach their potential (A Mighty Girl and Because I am a Girl are but two examples), there is a lack of similar support for boys who struggle to find their place and to have a healthy sense of masculinity and self. I was astounded that a girl petitioned her right to be a Boy Scout in a nearby community and won. Would a boy be welcomed and allowed to join Girl Guides? My guess is no. The same happened for girls on boys’ hockey teams, although female teams are now common. Whether a boy would want to join a girls’ group is, I think, unlikely given societal expectations but also beside the point if we are looking for equality.

How do we honour both boys and girls in our children’s ministry programs? It used to be that if you offered stereotypically male and female activities you were alright (i.e. sports and building for boys and baking, sewing and other crafts for girls). But gender is not and should not be a set box of prescribed behaviours. I’ve written before about the spectrum of gender, so I don’t feel the need to revisit it here. However, there are things we can do to help boys succeed and find their place with confidence.

1. Recognize that if you are offering a group or ministry for girls, you should also be offering one for boys so that they are treated as just as important. If you only have a few boys, then be creative and possibly partner with another church or open it up to the community or find activities that are more challenging that need a small group.

2. Allow the boys to drive what their group involves, ensuring that there is a faith component and positive growth. Don’t make assumptions about what their interests should be. Find out what their interests are that may point to the gifts that God has given them that need nurture.

3. Model acceptance of the variety of personalities and ways of being male that are in your group. Support expressing thoughts and feelings without shame. Get to know the specific challenges they face (i.e. broken families, loss, poverty) and help find resources to fill the gaps and give them coping skills that will develop confidence.

4. Help boys understand who they are and Whose they are. Offer lots of opportunities to build a sense of identity and self-worth. This coupled with coping skills will hopefully pull them away from the lure of self-medicating through drugs, alcohol and other outlets.

5. Encourage healthy ways of boys relating to girls, and expect respectful treatment of boys by girls. Too often males are portrayed in demeaning ways in movies and other media. Be just as vocal about this being wrong as you would about a girl being sexualized or belittled. 

6. Actively seek out mentors and role models for them as they find their way. Have high expectations of them and let them know they are believed in.

Pray for the boys you have in your ministry and get behind them. Please add your own ideas of how to build up boys in our churches. Let’s keep the conversation going.