From Generation to Generation
/I’m going to be talking this Sunday about being part of the household of God. As it’s Father’s Day, I’m painfully aware that this is an emotionally charged day for many - those whose dads have died or deserted them, those who want to be dads and can’t be, those whose relationship with their spouse has crumbled, those whose relationship with their dad is difficult. This points to just how important being in a supportive family of faith can be and having a relationship with God.
As I’ve been phoning to check in on seniors in my congregation, I’ve been blown away. From day one we have offered that if people need help with groceries or prescription pick-up or in any other way, that we had volunteers at the ready. Like many mainline congregations, we are seniors heavy. I assumed that we would be over-run with requests. Instead, there has been barely a need. Children of our seniors, many driving in from out of town weekly, are checking in on mom and dad, getting their groceries, cutting the lawn and making sure they get to appointments.
As I consider this, I think about how well parented these kids were that they take the commandment to honour their father and mother seriously. I’m not sure how many of them attend church. Those who live here don’t attend my church. Most of these offspring were raised in the church and at some point left. This could be for any number of reasons, and the history of my congregation is checkered so that may have contributed. At some point, a separation happened. And yet, the way of serving parents has not changed.
Knowing that these people are loved by God, and that, unbeknownst to them, our church has changed dramatically over time, I’m left wondering how we can best serve these ex-attendees. Too often, we just let people go from the fold. If we do bother to follow up once we notice they’ve cut ties, perhaps people are defensive because it hurts to lose family members. Perhaps whatever the wound was that caused the fracture or whatever lack of relevance or welcome or perceived caring about their needs, seems insurmountable. Perhaps our leaders are afraid to engage with that pain. And the more time that passes, the harder it is to do first aid and follow-up care.
Even if we attempt to make a connection with these offspring of our seniors and almost seniors, we could still mess it up. We could come in with the expectation that they need to re-join the church. We could have in the back of our mind a list of ways that we could use their ‘youthfulness’ and gifts to benefit our ministry. We could overwhelm them with information and enthusiasm. We could be unwilling to invest the time to really listen and do the work of healing.
So how do we avoid messing this up? Because we are called to bring God’s children into the kingdom, not merely into our church buildings. Restoring their identity and value in the family of God is not simple and probably not a one-time effort, but it is life-giving. So many things could have led to the exodus and many things could bring these people to, if not consider coming back, then to find healing and a new beginning, even if it’s not in our pews. I’m by no means an expert, but here are some starting ideas:
have no agenda except to love these people - have a genuine interest in them
connect through mutual concern for their parents - thank them for what they’re doing to support them
get to know them as they are now, even if you remember them being part of the church before
communicate that you’re willing to listen and available to them
over time, offer to add them to a communications list for the congregation if there is openness to what is happening - this is low risk and re-introduces them to the current ministry of the church
From there, who knows what might happen? Asking about church may be a sore spot. Allow them to bring it up. You could ask what keeps them going, what motivates them, and slide into what they are missing and need. Just making contact that is not awkward may be a huge step. It could start an ongoing relationship of support that re-writes the script they experienced growing up of what church meant and demanded of them. Even if the response to anything smelling of an invite to come back is shut down, that doesn’t mean that you should withdraw the connection. Be there, ready to help when needed. You never know when an act of care towards their parent or increasing needs will cause a child to re-think their dislike for or distrust of church.
The household of God is beautiful and varied, a diverse mosaic. Sadly, often the younger generations’ pieces are missing. The question is, are we willing to seek out and offer complete welcome, forgiveness, engagement and love to our prodigal sons and daughters? Do we care enough about them to reach out and offer unconditional love and support?
May we, even in this time of disjointedness and displacement, embrace the whole household of God, even those not currently in our pews.