The Importance of Listening
/As I wondered what to write about this week, both the Kavanaugh hearings and orange shirt day this past Sunday in honour of residential school survivors came to mind. My newsfeed has been full of photos and commentary about both. Both deal with complex issues and both rely on compassion and an ability to block out the way we’ve been conditioned to respond and to truly listen.
Listening is such a huge part of ministry. We listen to what our young people and families and volunteers are saying and also what they’re not saying. When we start somewhere new, it can frustrate us how long it takes before people are real with us, lowering their guard and sharing their true selves. We know that sharing fears and darkness can bring healing but it can be tough to get to that point.
Both the Kavanaugh hearings and the Truth and Reconciliation process have reminded us of why this is the case. There are few places that are truly safe for sharing. Our world reminds females in particular that their experiences can be used against them. The Truth and Reconciliation process has taken a very long time because the intent has been to listen to the stories of deep wounds of many generations. Not listening has had long-term consequences.
How are we good listeners? How do we listen well?
Be honest with yourself about your capacity to listen. Not everyone is able to take in other people’s stuff for hours and hours. And really, if we’re not professionally trained, we shouldn’t be doing this anyway. There are many other things that make up our roles as volunteers, clergy and lay staff. Listening badly can do damage so we need to know our limits.
Communicate consistently that you care and are open to taking time with people. For type A people like me, that takes cultivation in how we carry out our ministry. If we are always doing last-minute prep as people arrive and tidying and running around as people leave, we can give the impression that we aren’t available. Finding ways to connect with each participant is important. Eye contact and an open posture give cues that we are willing to dialogue.
Put safety in place for everyone’s sake. We need to find the best way to have conversations depending on the needs of the individual. Particularly with young people, never meet one on one in a closed room, avoid driving alone with a youth or child, and try to meet out in public or in view of other leaders. If you connect best by phone, text, e-mail or other social media, ensure that parents give permission. It is helpful for paid staff to have a work e-mail and facebook page and other social media channels separate from personal ones.
Know when it helps to have someone else with you to hear difficult conversations - perhaps a parent, a peer, a minister, a social worker or someone with other needed gifts. If you don’t have counseling qualifications, know when to refer. Be aware of when what you hear is causing you anxiety, making you feel you want to give advice rather than just listen, or otherwise overwhelming you. Have a list of community resources that you can turn people towards.
Recognize that just hearing someone’s story is extremely valuable. We often have few, if any, people in our lives who make us feel safe enough to share at length. You can’t do anything wrong by just listening without saying anything. In the listening we can gain insight about people’s pain and what resources might help. When people feel truly heard and their story valued, healing is often a result.
Don’t promise that you will keep a secret. As caring people, if a young person shares abuse or the intent to self-harm or harm others, legally we are obligated to report and seek help for them. It used to be that only ‘professionals’ had a duty to report suspected abuse. Now this responsibility falls on all of us.
Take care of yourself. Listening is hard, particularly if the stories are dark and painful. Find a colleague to decompress with, not necessarily sharing details but just to admit to the toll this is taking on you. Do other good self-care and strive to find balance in the many aspects of your ministry. Be sure to have fun listening too - asking silly questions and hearing about the positives happening in the lives of your participants to balance out the tough stuff.
We show the face of Christ when we listen and offer dignity and respect to those who are wounded. We show the face of Christ when we hear the same stories over and over from excited young people about their favourite video games or sports or music. We show the face of Christ when we are present in people’s lives and paying attention, asking good questions, and open to how they are really doing.
What a blessing it is to be entrusted with people’s stories. May we be a source of care, hope and peace for people who have been searching for a safe space.