Reflecting on Change and Loss in Ministry

The last few weeks I’ve felt led to write about the self-reflection we need to do at least once a year to help us to stay grounded and reminded of our calling and our humanity. In several recent conversations, people have needed to talk about change and grief, and the cost later on of not processing these intense experiences and emotions.

Throughout life we will experience losses, whether they be through death or people moving away, change in health or employment, broken relationships or realities of aging. Sadly, the older we become, the more frequent these changes seem to be. Our culture is not one that is comfortable with expressions of grief outside of acceptable boxes, like funerals and visitations. Even then, many feel they should exude strength by keeping it together. Openly crying and other displays of grief are not typically welcomed, though hopefully that is changing. How unlike the professional mourners mentioned in the Bible who would wail and tear their clothes, giving people permission to grieve openly with their whole being.

For those in the church, losses can be keenly felt. As a Christian educator, while there was lots of joy that came along with working with children and youth and loving congregations, a short list of losses I experienced includes families moving away or leaving the congregation, teachers unable or unwilling to teach again, innocence lost through child or youth abuse suffered (sometimes self-inflicted), broken families, deaths of church members, reduction of budget or programs, strained previously healthy relationships with fellow staff or leaders, space designated for CE being taken away, and my position being terminated. Often, many of these took place within a single year. As these things happen, typically we are leading other people through the situation and dealing with their grief and sometimes potent emotions at the same time as our own.

Losses add up, and much as we should be sure to list and celebrate the growth we have witnessed in our ministries and the things that went really well and which brought us joy and fulfillment, if we don’t acknowledge and grieve our losses, we can get stuck. We can become resentful, frustrated and stagnant, and our ministry and world view can grow dark and cynical. We can become anxious, sad, numb or depressed.

There is no simple or easy route for grief, but by naming how we are feeling and what is causing us pain we can begin to heal and work through it. Finding a trusted person you can reflect openly with about your losses this year, preferably from outside the congregation, can help. Share what was tough, who or what you are missing right now, the personal impact of changes and decisions and endings. Sometimes we feel that we could have changed the outcome, and sometimes we know it was completely out of our hands. Both can be hard to deal with and are worthy of looking at. Take the time to talk or journal to process these complex feelings. For some, finding a ritual that acknowledges the hurt and gifts within the loss is helpful in allowing them to let it go.. 

If you continue to focus on what happened, such as needing to constantly talk or post about it, or your sleep or appetite or ability to concentrate on work is impacted, get help. Find a social worker or therapist, a minister from outside your immediate situation or a counselor. Your mental and emotional health is important to your well-being and your ministry, and there is no shame in taking it seriously and admitting your limits.

Take the time to really take stock of how you are doing and what you need so that you can enter a new season ready for whatever God is bringing to you. If holidays or time off is short, find ways to slot in opportunities, no matter how brief, to be alone to reflect and reconnect with yourself and God.

May you find peace as you acknowledge and release those relationships and things that have changed for you this year. May you be reminded of the ways that God has strengthened you to cope and has opened doors for new beginnings. May you remember that you are loved, even in the challenges to which you are called, and that the ministry you offer has meaning.