Death and Grief are Universal

I found out Sunday night that a friend from high school’s mom had died. This was quite soon after the deaths of a 94 year old veteran in the congregation where I preach each Sunday, a former schoolmate from cancer and a local high school student who lost control of his vehicle driving home last week. We know that death comes to all of us, but somehow we never feel quite ready.

As is Muslim tradition, the prayers and the mother’s burial took place the day after her death. An open house was held in her home after the formal parts were done and as I prepared to go I was at a loss about Muslim etiquette and what was appropriate to wear. As a Christian educator, I feel it is important to understand and respect other faiths so that we can dialogue and fight hate and fear. Yesterday I realized how little I really knew. The internet is a wonderful tool and gave me insight. Once I got to the house, I realized that like anyone else the family were just thrilled that I took the time to come. That was what mattered.

I’ve been to Mormon, Rosicrucian, Presbyterian and United funerals. I’ve been with those of no specific faith in funeral homes and those of Catholic and Protestant faith. There is definitely a universality, even if the precise words and beliefs about what comes next and what happens to the deceased vary. Especially for people of faith, there is a beauty in the honouring of the one who has left us, of tributes to them, of sharing stories, of devotion to God and thanks for the gift of that person, of reassurance through the faith and those gathered of not being alone.

It was beautiful to enter that house and to see so many people, family and friends, in Muslim traditional dress and sweaters and jeans, gathered in support of a wonderful woman’s family. Any perceived differences or barriers were gone. The common purpose of expressing care and concern were tangible, and the hospitality and spread of traditional Pakistani food along with a box of muffins from Tim Horton’s was so enticing. I marveled that all of this had been pulled together in 24 hours.

There is so much I’m inspired to write here, but the most important things that came to me are these:

1) we worry so much about little things when it’s the big things that count - we should not be afraid to reach out to those we know of other faiths or no faith and to offer our condolences and to just show up, respecting what is happening and how important it is to them, just as they would for us

2) in a culture obsessed with youth and living forever, as people of faith we need to constantly check ourselves and attune our sense of reality and that we all are ever closer to death - we need to be able to find the gift in the time that we have and in the time to come, and to be grateful for all that God has given us, no matter how long or short our lives are

3) with the opioid crisis, violence, diseases like cancer and mental health issues leading to suicide, death can touch all of us regularly and particularly impacts young people - we need to not be afraid to talk about it in our programs, to give permission to express fears, to point children and parents to books that can help them process grief, to share raw emotions

4) we can always help our people to better understand those of other cultures and faiths so that we can stand together in the wake of loss and trauma as we have witnessed recently in Pittsburgh - consider organizing field trips to mosques or synagogues, to a Quaker meeting house or Catholic church

5) we can always talk and learn more about healthy ways of dealing with grief and loss because as a society we tend to not do this well - often funeral homes will offer support programs to those who are grieving, also think about having a panel discussion of those who can help to come and talk about death and dying issues (i.e. handling estates and paperwork, planning, self-care, etc.) and how we can best support those on the grief journey

It is somewhat ironic given the events of Monday that this past Sunday I preached on Ruth choosing to leave her homeland after her husband’s death to go with her mother-in-law back to Bethlehem. She chooses to journey with Naomi even though it means abandoning her own god and becoming Jewish. Her love transcends the labels she was born with and her home. She chooses to honour her mother-in-law and devote herself to her, unafraid of their differences.

I’m so glad that I have friends who are from different places and of different faiths and traditions. Our friendship transcends these differences and we care very much for each other. There is goodness in seeing and understanding our neighbour, in walking the grief journey together, and finding strength.

Even if you are not experiencing grief in this moment, someone in your circle is. May God give us all wisdom in having compassion, grace and love as we stand with our brothers and sisters.