When It's Time to Part Ways
/I’ve been reflecting on the phenomenon of when we need to ‘take our leave’ of a relationship or situation. Getting back to Abram and Sarai’s story, tomorrow we’re talking about when Lot and Abram separate. Their animal herders don’t have enough space and are getting into fights with those of the other household. Abram suggests, to avoid further conflict, they each take a parcel of land so that they can flourish.
I’ve preached on this story before, and once again it happens to fall on Orange Shirt Sunday, the day focused on seeking healing, right relations and reconciliation with Indigenous Peoples here in Canada. These people were treated so badly by the Church that the relationship was very painfully broken. It is also Presbyterians Sharing Sunday when we celebrate what we can accomplish together as several hundred separate congregations spread across the country joined by common faith. As the speaker at the Embro Fair last Sunday reminded us, churches have joined and split and moved over time but all have played a crucial role in their communities.
In the story from Genesis 13, the separation is peaceful and a crisis is averted. Boundaries are set so that Abram and his nephew can co-exist on neighbouring land. Abram is shown by God the territory that his descendants will inherit - a vast vista as far as he can see. The relationship between Lot and Abram isn’t severed, it’s just re-configured. They find a way to honour each other and get along that is for the good of everyone.
From people needing to leave toxic or no longer fulfilling work environments to people leaving soured relationships to people giving up on organizations that previously fed them, we re-configure major parts of our lives over time. People also leave churches for many reasons, sometimes because they just want to keep peace for everyone else and they are no longer feeling part of the community or spiritually fed. Churches close or leave denominations, denominations split, and we re-configure again. Much as we would like things to remain static, change is inevitable and church life is always shifting.
Often if people leave a church, assumptions are made about why. How often do we even notice that people aren’t coming anymore? Do we follow up with them? Covid closures made determining who was still actively involved very difficult. Those who walk away always have reasons, even if they may not be what we would consider good ones.
In my own denomination, those who disagree with recent changes to openness to gay clergy and gay marriage, with the option for a congregation to remain traditional in view, can seek what is called a ‘gracious dismissal’. This allows them to leave with the PCC’s blessing and go their separate ways. I like the wording, of being set free from a situation that no longer fits, with grace. The tie can be severed with respect and dignity. There is room to acknowledge other denominations and theologies while still holding to what we believe for ourselves.
Parting ways, whether from a church or a work or personal relationship, should be done with care and after careful reflection. There are always reasons to stay and to go. With Abram and Lot this seemed to be a God-led decision which allowed them to thrive separately while still being neighbours. For those who feel they have to leave a congregation or denomination, I pray that we can find ways to honour what they gave while they were there and to say goodbye with best wishes and a blessing.
I know there are some people on our congregational list I have never met and there are some who rarely come. Behind each is a story and I know that I need to find out what that story is. It may be that they are teetering on the edge of involvement based on whether they feel accepted again or because of unresolved conflict or issues. It may be that they have moved on and not bothered to tell us. It may be that pain is being experienced and there isn’t the courage to reach out and ask for help.
It takes energy for this kind of ministry as sometimes it involves deep hurt. These conversations can result in healing and a return, or closure with permission to move on. I have never not learned something from them. And if it is time to move on, re-configuring and setting healthy boundaries can help everyone involved. New life can come.
Endings mean beginnings. Separateness can mean renewed relationship with better boundaries. Holding on loosely to allow God to breathe through what is happening can result in transformation and new insight.
I pray that you can grieve losses of people moving on but also see them as gains in better self-understanding and healthier, happier living. I pray that if we ourselves need to sever a relationship, it is done with much reflection and care, allowing both parties to feel respected. May God be with you in the transitions you are witnessing and experiencing yourself, reminding you that you are never alone even as things change around you..