Combating Loneliness

I watched See Hear Love yesterday, a weekly ritual as I eat supper after my Monday at my other job. The topic was loneliness and how prevalent it is and how Covid 19 has made issues around it so much more acute.

Last week I wrote about avoiding being silos as churches, and the same holds true for individual leaders. We all need to find others who can relate to what we’re experiencing. We need people who get the highs and lows of ministry in normal times but especially in this time of pandemic. As I write this I have to admit that I’ve pulled away from some of my usual posse. Part of it is not having the discipline to make the time. I spend so much time writing and talking and listening these days that calling someone else is not too appealing, even if they’re a great friend and kindred spirit. And yet, I know I’m poorer for not making the effort.

I don’t know about you, but my inbox is full of offers for online conferences and workshops to help me through this time and to have more ease in a digital environment. I receive daily blogs and feel the need to keep on top of facebook posts and messages from people in my congregation. Just being current with all that news takes a chunk of time. But I know that often those folks are needing me, much as they may check in on how I’m doing and I’m so grateful for that. There is nothing like talking to an actual person in real time who is there just to be a friend and listener.

As I think more about this, I realize that I’m truly blessed. Not only do I have people at the church who keep asking how I am, but I work with a staff who don’t just see me as a worker who’s supposed to have it all together but as a human being with family and issues at my other workplace and in life from time to time. They know I’m not perfect and don’t expect me to be. Much as those links are wonderful, we still need people outside of our ministry setting who can bring us needed perspective. They probably don’t know the people we are serving but because of their own experiences can relate and offer fresh takes on what might work best.

It’s also fun to not talk shop at all and focus on the other news of each other’s lives. The pandemic has made me feel even more the pull to be “on” for church 24/7 than I have before. While passion for what we’re called to do is great, we can’t be doing 100 km/hr all the time. At some point the gas is going to run out and we’ll crash. I realized that I was running low on fuel and made a tough decision to say no to a funeral visitation this weekend that I had really wanted to go to, but in the balance of the upcoming week I realized that my health was more important. A good follow-up phone call this week was perhaps even more helpful than my going through a receiving line and being part of the blur of people that day.

Loneliness is chronic, and it is particularly chronic for those in ministry, clergy or not. While clergy may feel put up on a pedestal, expectations can also be quite high for those not ordained who often don’t have a designated group or organization where they can find others to share the journey with, especially when it gets tough. We all have to make the decision to reach out and find others to help us not feel alone. It could be as simple as putting out a feeler on social media or looking at websites of churches in your area for people doing the same ministry as you or looking up organizations for people doing what you do to find contacts.

The pandemic has hit a lot of people like a truck, and eight months in we’re still feeling it. If we’ve allowed friendships and mentor relationships to fall off the radar, it’s not too late to reach out. If we’ve blown people off because we were just exhausted, it’s not too late to ask for a do-over. If the needs of peers had overwhelmed us before but now we know we can listen, it’s not too late to offer. It’s all about managing energy and scheduling time for our relationship with ourselves and time to interact with others beyond texts and posts and emojis.

On See Hear Love this week one of the guests talked about Hagar and her experience of loneliness in the wilderness. I had just preached about this two weeks ago, and how she named God who met her there El-roi - the God who sees me. You may feel left out alone in the desert, perhaps even pregnant with possibility like she was but unvalued. Know that God sees you, and that others will see you too if you allow yourself to be seen and known.

Continue to take good care of yourself, and recognize your need for social connection even as we have to keep honouring physical distancing. We all need each other, and together we are stronger and can find healing in supportive relationships.